Pets are part of the family. When a beloved pet dies, he or she leaves a huge hole in your heart. Read here how you can make saying goodbye to your pet more comforting and what options there are for dealing with your grief.
The moment of farewell: when to let the pet go?
This doesn't help you with your heartache? Unfortunately in English, but very helpful, sensitively worded and free online is the "Saying-Goodbye-Guide" by the UK Animal Welfare Foundation.
After death: urn, grave - or leave animal with vet?
Under the Rainbow Bridge: preserving memories
But not everyone wants to be constantly confronted with the deceased animal in their grief - which is absolutely understandable. Either way, you carry the most important memory in your head and in your heart.
P.S.: Lass dir von niemanden einreden, du würdest überreagieren, das sei ja «nur» ein Tier.
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P.P.S.: Meine Freigänger sind kastriert, sterilisiert, gechippt und in einer verhältnismäßig sicheren Grüngegend zuhause. Das hier soll keine Diskussion um die optimale Haltung werden. Wenn dich das Thema aber auch interessiert, dann teil mir das gerne mit.
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Wagner is still alive. But by the time these lines have appeared, he may already be gone. Wagner is my cat, my first cat, and he has cancer in the left side of his jaw. He is not impaired because of it, but he drools, is less able to clean himself (I do that) and vegetates. His medication is optimal and I can confirm that he is doing well despite all my anxious observation (I work in a home office): He is doing well. If he is no longer well, the vet is at my house within a few hours to gently escort him over the Rainbow Bridge. In preparation, I have a sleeping pill ready for him. I want to make the farewell as painless as possible, for him and for me.
We received the diagnosis in May - with a maximum life expectancy of 4 weeks. Now it is deepest autumn. And Wagner is still alive, the defiant dump cat, found as the only survivor of a carelessly discarded litter of kittens. 14 years later, after several moves and the loss of his colleague Franzi (this happened from one day to the next and left me severely traumatised) he is eating the hair off my head. Immediately after the diagnosis, I switched to his favourite food - as a last meal, so to speak. This has been going on for quite a long time now, and a whopping 300 grams of fresh chicken meat a day goes a long way.
Mourning the loss of a pet: what symptoms can occur
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But to make it easier to say goodbye to a beloved pet, there is no upper limit - at least not for me. But how can I make it easier for myself to say goodbye? What rituals comfort and where to put the remains? Most of the following tips come from my personal experience, so maybe they can help you a little. Science also supports the fact that I am not alone with my feelings: In 2014, researchers from Hatogaya Animal Hospital in Japan conducted a study to investigate the difficulties and worries that people struggle with after the death of a beloved animal. More than half of the participants experienced neurotic symptoms, including depression, anxiety, insomnia and somatic disorders. Symptoms were more severe in women. I'm a woman, a cat woman by the book even - and I'm also writing this post for self-therapy.
Every pet lives differently, every pet dies differently. Sometimes without warning, sometimes after a long period of suffering. In Franzi's case it was quick, probably a kidney infarction. But Franzi was a free roamer and a very independent spirit. To die she lay down under a bush in the neighbour's garden, I came across the sad news online after days of searching - among the animals found dead by the veterinary office. That was bad. Without my girlfriends taking turns on my sofa: I don't know if I wouldn't have gone crazy with pain there.
Wagner will be euthanised at home, as already mentioned. But when is the right time for that? Finding it is difficult, but doable. General signs of pain include restlessness as well as fatigue with reduced activity, no appetite and reduced interest in the environment.In other words: when there is no more joy and quality of life. When the animal is only alive because you don't want to let it go. I rely on my deep connection to Wagner. One day his jaw will be completely knocked out. Then my vet will come. Of course, not every vet offers such a service. But I think at home in a loving setting, the goodbye goes easier for everyone involved. I want to be by my cat's side until his last breath.
Processing pain with literature - actively as well as passively
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Perhaps writing a story or letter to your beloved pet will help you process your grief. I already have the comfort & memory book "More than just a cat" lying around. It offers me the opportunity to put thoughts and emotions into words and conceptually starts at the time when the cat came into our life together. The structure invites us to remember: the happy, the sad, the special and finally the end of the relationship. The memories are flanked with cat wisdom, little stories, sayings by well-known writers and cute photos.Also available for dogs and small animals.
Other than that, I can strongly recommend "Not only your pet dies". The content: What does death mean for masters and mistresses? How have affected people dealt with their loss? What has helped them? The Working Group on Ethics of the Foundation of the University of Veterinary Medicine Hanover has been dealing with these very questions for two years as part of a research project. In addition, researchers from various disciplines have contributed articles on the meaning of animal grief.
Along on the team was Marion Schmitt from the "Institute for Animal Hygiene, Animal Welfare and Farm Animal Ethology", who summarises the findings from the project in her doctoral thesis: "Symptomatically, owners uniformly describe the same variety as human bereavement. Some perceive their animals as omnipresent companions; furthermore, remaining or new animals have taken over habits or idiosyncrasies of the deceased. Sometimes owners seek professional help, although worrying statements about serious threats to life are rare." And further: "Burial and rituals are significant after-effects of mourning for animals, but there is disagreement about this - the dilemma is that on the one hand normalisation and encouragement of individual coping is necessary, but on the other hand there is a danger of inappropriate humanisation and dramatisation of mourning for animals."
The sudden death of Franzi left me completely distraught. All the more reason to go all out for the funeral and mementos. Single cremation, paw print, certificate - her ashes now rest (next to my dad's) in a little wooden doll on the shelf. I like the thought of having my loved ones around me and this thought is shared by many, as a small private survey among friends revealed. But what about the legal side? In principle, dead animals must be disposed of in the DACH area, they must either be cremated or buried on their own property - under the conditions permitted by law. If this does not happen and they are left in the veterinary practice for a small fee, they are usually sent to a rendering plant. If the thought of this is repugnant to you (certain "animal" by-products are recycled ...), you can rely on individual cremation. Those who already have the perfect container choose a simple paper urn in which the ashes are brought home. Otherwise, crematoria offer different options depending on the region, special engravings, fancy shapes and colours, luxury variants and also various personalised mementos.
Wagner I will put in the ground (in a nice cardboard box, wrapped in a T-shirt of mine), because he always liked to be outside and dirty. I'm Austrian, I have my own garden, I'm allowed to do that - but there are guidelines regarding the size of the animal, the distance of the grave from the neighbour's property and the depth of the grave. In Switzerland it is similar: it must be your own plot and the animals may only be buried in the garden (in a cardboard or wooden coffin) if they do not weigh more than 10 kilograms and the grave is not near drinking water sources or groundwater reservoirs. Burial in the forest or on public land is not allowed, nor is it permitted everywhere to scatter ashes outdoors.
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However, whether ashes or body, many four-legged friends find their final resting place in a pet cemetery. As different as the pet owners are, so is the gravesite designed, from rustic to funny. In Vienna, the pet cemetery opened in 2011. Before that, the public utility company had a survey conducted: it showed that a large part of the population considers a pet cemetery important - even more than half of the respondents who did not own a four-legged friend. In 2018, the first human-animal cemetery was even opened in my home country. You see: we love our pets to death. The world's oldest pet cemetery has existed since 1899 in Paris in Asnières-sur-Seine in the north-east of the city. You can find an overview of pet cemeteries in Switzerland here.
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What else caught my eye while researching? At the crystal burial of "Immer und Ewig in Domat/Ems (Graubünden), the ashes of the deceased animal are fused together with crystal glass to create a beautiful work of art. They also create unique pieces from fur. Not bad.
The power of rituals: mourning the furry nose
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Some fall silent, some talk incessantly. Mourning the loss of beloved creatures comes in phases. One of them revolves around shared memories: Creating these in abundance while alive is probably the most important tip. There are also many strategies to fill the emptiness in the basket. Some get a new pet soon (I don't need one, I still have my cat Flauschi), some want to grieve alone for a while. Very helpful are the many, very individual farewell rituals - these can be repeated as often as you need them. And of course they vary depending on the phase and time. I, for example, commemorate my two- and four-legged dead every year on Halloween by creating a small house altar, colourful and full of life. Others regularly visit the gravesite or get together with friends to toast the deceased animals. A [study]("Rituals Alleviate Grieving for Loved Ones, Lovers, and Lotteries") by Harvard psychologist Michael Norton and his colleague Francesca Gino on this kind of grief coping confirms what was suspected: rituals heal us.
What crafting I've done over the past few weeks. Wagner's fur (don't worry, just a few strands gently cut out) became a small, plush work of art. I already have the photos for the 2023 calendar together. And I will certainly honour his grave in the garden just as much as Franzi's ashes in the urn. Others hang the most beautiful pictures of their animals on the wall, keep dog collars and cuddly blankets or have their pets painted in perfect form. Tattoos are also a nice idea for those who cherish truly eternal memories - my tattoo artist, at least, is already drawing the template. Many crematoria in the DACH area also offer paw prints or jewellery with a small amount of ash. You can also have the ashes made into a diamond and thus carry a symbol of the beloved animal with you. If you have the necessary change, the Japanese artist Sochi uses photos to recreate deceased four-legged friends in felt and wool, so detailed that it is almost creepy. Cost: around 3000 euros.
