Sex in later life and why we don’t talk about it nearly enough

In preparation for this article, I watched a movie. Cloud 9 tells the story of 70-year-old Inge, who’s been married to her husband Werner for 30 years. All of a sudden, she then falls in love with soon-to-be-80-year-old Karl. As the romantic spiel on the back of the DVD cover puts it: «It’s passion. It’s sex.» Now, I wouldn’t necessarily associate those two words with elderly people. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to. Either way, the sense of discomfort I felt sitting in front of the TV grew by the minute. There were moments when I couldn’t even look and I had to bury my face in the couch cushions. I’d tolerated far more extreme stuff in films before. More skin, more body parts, more sex. Ageing bodies getting amorous, on the other hand, were never part of the equation. I’m aghast at how disconcerting I find this level of realness. But why do I react the way I do? Sex therapist Dania Schiftan has the answer.

Dania, I watched the movie Cloud 9 on your recommendation. However, I have to admit that I had a hard time with the sex scenes. Is that just a me-problem?
Dania Schiftan, sexologist and psychotherapist: No, you’re not alone in that. Our eyes aren’t accustomed to older people having sex. And if we don’t see something, it doesn’t exist – at least in our world. Only young people have sex in films, commercials and on billboards. They’re toned, beautiful, aesthetically pleasing and have fit, nimble bodies. Meanwhile, the fact that older people have sex too is ignored, so we don’t have any images of it in our minds.

Even so, I didn’t expect to feel so much shame on my part. I felt downright guilty afterwards.
It’s totally normal for us to feel uneasy about the unknown. Many people, for instance, also find it shameful and difficult to look at vulvas. Because they’re not used to seeing them, they initially think of them as unattractive and ugly. So if you find these sex scenes difficult to watch, you’re not horrible, intolerant or unfair – you’re perfectly normal. Most people react to new and unfamiliar things with hesitance or resistance. However, it’s worth coming to terms with the issue of senior sex, because we’ll all be affected by it eventually.

Why don’t we ever see elderly people in this context?
Nobody wants to imagine their parents having sex, let alone their grandparents. This gives rise to the persistent myth that people lose their sexuality in old age – that sexual desire eventually subsides, that doing it becomes distasteful or that elderly folks simply can’t have sex any more. None of that is true. It’s the opposite, in fact.

So what’s the reality?
If you ask people aged between 65 and 80 about their desire for intimacy, over 90 per cent say they really yearn for closeness, touch and caresses. And the desire for sexual intercourse doesn’t go away either. It’s possible to have a fulfilling sex life right into your twilight years. We just don’t talk about it.

Can we change that?
We all grow old – and we all know it’ll happen to us one day. So, pushing the issue to one side isn’t really helpful. The much smarter thing to do is to confront the issue earlier in life. Making a conscious decision to watch a movie like Cloud 9 can be a good learning experience. Once you notice that what you’re seeing makes you feel uneasy, you can figure out how to deal with it.

How does the older generation deal with it?
Many find it difficult to talk about their sexuality. In fact, they often believe that it’s wrong for them to desire sex. Perhaps it’s because their best friend made an insensitive throwaway comment or because their doctor or therapist doesn’t take the issue seriously. It soon creates shame and leaves them thinking, «I guess I’ll just have to live with it, there’s else nothing for it!»

Your sexual needs don’t disappear just because you’ve got a few more grey hairs. But saying that everything stays the same probably wouldn’t reflect the reality of senior sex either. What sexual obstacles do people face as they get older?
Our bodies change with age. The patterns and habits you used to be able to rely on might stop working for you. Suddenly, your knee hurts in your favourite position or your muscles and connective tissue get weaker. Women often have to deal with dry, cracked mucous membranes. Or they notice their clitoral hood doesn’t get as stimulated as it did when they were younger. People don’t have the same stamina either. Men are quick to experience self-doubt when they don’t get as hard as they used to.

What’s the best way to cope with changes like these?
You’ve got to develop new habits and adapt to the changing situation. This is a challenge – and a sticking point – that causes many people to say goodbye to having an active sex life. They get frustrated, give up and say to themselves, «Well, I guess that’s that!» We’re capable of learning and changing throughout our lives. We can adapt and find a different sexual position that arouses us just as much. If we embrace change, we can discover the subtle nuances of sexuality in old age and find it very fulfilling. To have a good sex life in old age, we need to learn more.

Meaning?
A man who thinks his penis needs to be fully hard or else he’ll have no sex at all is missing out on all the facets sex still has in store for him as he gets older. If he were to embrace change, he could discover which slow touches he’d also enjoy feeling on his penis. He’d find out what other kinds of intimacy he might like. At first glance, this may seem like a step backwards. But with a little practice, a totally different form of sex can develop that satisfies that need for closeness and tenderness.

So we need to move away from the «all or nothing» mentality?
Yes! I’d also like to emphasise that there are, of course, medical factors that impact our sex lives as we get older. Neurological complaints, cardiovascular diseases or a cancer diagnosis, for example. Medications such as antidepressants often have a negative effect on desire and arousal, too. As a general rule, any kind of physical symptoms should be addressed by a medical professional. For many other issues, there are simple remedies.

Do you have any examples?
Certain creams can help with dry mucous membranes. Using drugs to treat impotence is an option too, provided the goal is your own pleasure and desire, not performance. Challenges aside, there are always ways to explore how sexuality can be expressed.

So, the motto for a good sex life in old age is: stay creative!
There are countless ways to live out your sexuality besides intercourse alone. Perhaps the twilight years are a great time to discover the sensual potential of massages, gentle caresses, kisses and touches. The most important thing – in old age or otherwise – is that we give our sexuality space and talk about it.

About Dania Schiftan

Dania Schiftan works from her practice in Zurich as a sexologist and psychotherapist. She’s written two books about sex and the female orgasm, one of which is a «Spiegel» bestseller. Schiftan regularly features as a guest in Swiss newspapers and radio programmes. Her podcast Release reaches 50,000 listeners a month, often hitting the iTunes and Spotify podcast charts. She gives lectures, runs workshops and works as a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania Schiftan and her job by reading my interview with her:

You can find all the other articles in this series here: