«Anyone got Emma’s slippers?»: parent group chats as capital punishment
8/6/2023
Translation: Julia Graham
Whether you like it or not, once you have kids, you end up in a parent group chat sooner or later. And before you know it, you’ve been added to at least three more. They provide you with all kinds of information – most of which is as unnecessary as it is annoying.
I feel the same way as my editorial colleague Livia. We dread voice notes. The time the sender saves in terms of writing has to be doubled and tripled by the receiver in listening and filtering it.
But there’s one exception. When I’m circling between the home office and family taxi service with the kids, gym bags and snack boxes in tow, a short (!) voice note can be practical. Parents are therefore likely to use this WhatsApp feature more than the average person. Please turn a blind eye now and then, especially as we have to deal with another phenomenon: parent group chats.
They’re next level, so to speak. You find all kinds of message formats in there, from spoken to written, emoji, gif and avatar. And there are group chats for everything under the sun. For the kindergarten teacher’s leaving present, a school friend’s birthday party, the ballet show before Christmas. For the playgroup trip, communicating with the kids’ teacher and getting lifts to football. Every few weeks someone sets up a new annoying group.
No way out of the parent chat trap
Can you just leave? That’s tricky. You don’t want fingers pointed at you as «the mum who never takes part». What about muting the chat? Impossible. In amongst the many personal feelings, opinions and useless comments, there is some important organisational or content-related info.
So you reluctantly stay in the many group chats you’ve been added to without being asked. And silently endure those days when at least ten irrelevant new messages from unidentifiable numbers pop up on your phone within the space of ten minutes. Kinda like this:
Source: Katja Fischer
And the question I always ask myself between all the hearts, thumb emojis and «Don’t know»s is: do I actually have to answer? Hasn’t everything already been said anyway? Instead of responding with words, emojis or voice notes, I find myself secretly grouping the people behind the many messages into parenting categories.
I always encounter these six parent types in group chats
After all these years as a mother and WhatsApp group participant, I have uncovered the following types. There are…
1…those who ALWAYS put in their two pennies worth
Whether it’s early in the morning, at lunchtime or typed from their bed, you’ll always get a response from this type of parent. Including when they’re stressed out, the message is useless and just spams the chat. These parents are always present, involved at all times and continuously up to date – and they like to show it. Often, they fall into the next category as well.
2… those who expect an immediate response
No matter how stressed you are, these kinds of parents always think you should reply to a WhatsApp. Don’t you dare postpone your correspondence until the evening when the kids are asleep. «I’d appreciate a swift answer» breaks down your reserve. Even though the response could easily have waited. That’s not the point at all; it’s the principle.
3… those who write first, then check
These parents are asking questions whose answers should be obvious. Because it was just explained two messages before. But they ask anyway, instead of figuring it out for themselves. One of the other 29 in the chat will serve them the answer on a silver platter anyway. They don’t care about the fact they inconvenience all the other group members. If you find it annoying, you should ignore it.
4… those who confuse the group chat with a tête-à-tête
Sometimes one conversation leads to another. And suddenly two parties drift off in the middle of the chat and have a virtual coffee catch-up in front of everyone. If you’re sitting with a coffee yourself, this might be voyeuristically entertaining. But if you’re just caught up in the middle of it all, it’s purely annoying.
5… those who overshare
These parents are incredibly communicative. They share daily photos in their WhatsApp status and are overly active on Facebook as well as in group chats. Sure, I’m pleased that they’re topping up on «Vitamin Sea» right now. And I certainly don’t begrudge them the many thumbs up emojis on their posts. I’d even join in the toast with an umbrella drink – if it weren’t for the fact I was in a meeting, hanging up laundry or settling a TV programme dispute between my daughters. Lordy!
6… lurkers
These are the parents you forget about in the chat because they’re usually just onlookers. Their participation ranges from little to never, and they get annoyed way too often. At least superficially, as they’re actually tickled pink by any conversation. And sometimes like to group the participants into parent categories.
There’s a solution: one-way groups
Getting upset about things you can’t change never gets you anywhere in the end, though. Especially not when there’s already a solution to the problem. In this case, it’s called suppressing. WhatsApp groups with one-way communication, where only the administrator can pen messages and where replies aren’t even a thing.
Kudos to our girls’ group for consistently communicating in this way – it’s probably the quietest, but most informative parent chat ever. I don’t want to imagine the e-mails, phone calls and inquiries that the leaders are confronted with outside of that.
I beg you. It’s not that hard to change chats to one-way communication. If you’re the admin, you can easily do it via the group settings in the chat.
But until everyone has done this, there will probably be a few more annoyed girls’ group team leaders, overworked teachers and irritated mums and dads. Until then, there’s only one thing that helps: auuuuuum. Sit back, relax and enjoy the entertainment.
Header image: Katja Fischer
Katja Fischer
Senior Editor
Katja.Fischer@digitecgalaxus.chMom of Anna and Elsa, aperitif expert, group fitness fanatic, aspiring dancer and gossip lover. Often a multitasker and a person who wants it all, sometimes a chocolate chef and queen of the couch.
